Codependency 

It’s my birthday but it’s just another day.

Here’s what I’ve learned about codependency, and instead of using ambiguous statements I’m going to use a personal experience.

1. Most birthdays end up being me disappointed that my s/o does nothing for me at all. This birthday, although I’m nowhere near any friends or family other than the kids and the s/o, I’m going to have cake and ice cream and the kids and I are going to have a fun day. I might nap or make art while they sleep but regardless, it’s going to be about enjoying the day.

(Owning my feelings and finding better ways to deal – my happiness is my responsibility)

2. The house needs extra income, my s/o has made it difficult to maintain enough routine to get a part time job and refuses to caregivers the children if I do. That said I also need an outlet so I’ve decided to start making art again with all of the art supplies I’m sitting on, and try selling it. Worst case, it’s cathartic… best case decent money and cathartic, and maybe I can afford a sitter once a week.

3. Refuse to do anything more than I’m supposed to do in my role as a stay at home parent. 

4. Delegate. When stuff needs two people politely say to s/o to do/grab/deal with the thing. If s/o doesn’t, talk to them about it later.

5. No is the magic word. Reframing boundaries.. this is a hard one, and unique to each person. I see posts about how to lay boundaries and there aren’t many clear answers regarding the subject. What it seems to boil down to is separating yourself from the other person and even your relationship to them. Who are you when you’re single? That’s who you need to be in a relationship. Who is that person outsode your relationship? Let them be that. If the relationship doesn’t work by just being, then you aren’t compatible, and that’s okay. 

6. Expectations are lies we tell ourselves about what we deserve. Yes we deserve love and affection and compassion, but we need to find people in our lives that we share those things with, not find a person, give it our all to that person with the expectation that they need to give us anything back. Healthy love is naturally reciprocated, not demanded.

7. Self care. If you need permission to take a walk or have a shower or just sit and relax, here it is. You have permission, so say what you are going to do and just do it.

8. Destructive self indulgence.

Smoking, binge eating, habitual self damaging habits of whatever kind. I tried to quit smoking and the chaos suddenly got ramped up in my house. The doctor that prescribed champix said, once I got to 5 smokes a day think about those ones. They are the reason I smoke. I smoke to step out of a calm situation to a stressful one. (Morning smoke, post meal smokes, etc.) I also smoke to be indulgent. It’s my little thing that let’s me be selfish, and make up for the “giving” and “sacrifice” that I do. Which is all ego.

9.  You aren’t needed. If you dissappear tomorrow, life will go on. You’ll be missed, your presence desired, but nobody needs you, except you. Tough pill to swallow. Your codependent addict will most likely replace you with another person willing to fill your role, worst case they will go down the path they were headed before you stepped in to take control, best case, that’s rock bottom and they start actually getting coping skills and learn how to be responsible. 

10. The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

You aren’t helping your addict. You’re stunting them further. Your ego is telling you that you know best. You don’t. If you can’t control your life and behavior, you have no right to controlling or being responsible for anyone else’s life (if you have kids, get help if you’re codependent) you can offer friendship, or advice or find sources for help for your addict, but you can’t make them change. Period.

11. You don’t like your situation. You love them, you aren’t ready, you don’t have the resources, the list can go on, but it boils down to you aren’t happy…. do things that make you happy and feel secure. If you want to go to counseling, do it. Ask your addict to come, if they don’t want to, that’s where they are. It isn’t your problem.

12. Love languages work for reasonably functional couples. If your relationship is a train wreck, subtle things like love languages mean nothing. And really still puts the onus of your happiness on your partner and vice versa. 

13. Be a whole human, be loving and compassionate to yourself, all those shitty things you say to yourself daily: catch yourself doing it, and make an effort to apologize to yourself and reframe it. Talk to yourself like you are a 5 year old. 

Inrage

Oh the outrage.
People are outraged over things. Lots of things everywhere. Outrage is what’s in. Rage is in. Inrage.

There are outraged because a t-shirt could be misconstrued that is promoted by a walking dead star.

People are outraged and have created a movement against one particular group that has been doing bad things, but lumping everyone else they don’t agree with into that group, and displaying the same hateful tactics.

People are outraged over mislabeled fish, and chemical stuff and their neighbors dog.

People are outraged for other people who dgaf about the thing that is outrageous.

I’m jumping on the bandwagon.

I’m outraged at hospitals sending home sick babies to take chances with death and forcing parents to give the level of care a fully trained rn does with no training and no help.

I’m outraged that society keeps kicking it’s vulnerable down in order to keep the next in line afloat in order to keep certain other people living in  the lap of luxury.

I’m outraged that the food industry throws away billions of dollars of food away per year because it isn’t saleable and the poverty level is so high. Here and everywhere.

I’m outraged that there is a cure for some cancers that is not licensed meaning nobody owns a patent to it and because big pharmacy can’t make billions and corner the market, people are suffering and dying.

I’m outraged for all of the people in my life that are suffering from anxiety and depression because we live in a sick society that has a very uncertain fiscal and technological future. A society that has marginalized all things not fitting that system that is failing. A society that despises age and reminders of death, and puts sparkles on the trials of parent hood. 

I’m outraged at being lied to day in and day out just to sell me crap that will last just past the warranty that I didn’t need on the first place, so I can throw it into our overflowing landfills.

I’m outraged that I get more solid information from comedians than from the news. — that said I’m outraged that I have to agree with Trump.

I’m outraged because Americans are so desperate for security from the above unknowingly, have elected someone like trump because they don’t know what else to do.

We Canadians did it too. And we paid the price for it. So did our environment.

I’m outraged that what we keep asking for isn’t being done and our leaders are shirking their duties. For the sake of the next term promise.

I’m sick of entitlement. People that believe they are entitled to exorbitant wealth, objects, rights, other people’s decisions, access to other people’s bodies, freedom, life, or liberty. 

We aren’t entitled. But we are sharing this space, and seem to be pissing it up a wall between America and Mexico.  Have have a very uncertain future, and we as a global community have to take a step back and address what’s actually happening. We need to make provisions for what is already changing and prepare for what is most likely certain. 

There are two ways to lead. 

A common enemy (the enemy isn’t who you think it is)

A common goal (the goal is pretty simple)

Shh 

​it was never about race. 

it was about rich versus poor.

it was about controlling resources and power 
race divisions

gender discrimination

orientation

all false flags and scapegoats
reality is, 

it’s still rich versus poor.

stay down 

live under the thumb of poverty

be the asset that someone else needs
ignore the man behind the curtain

follow the yellow brick road to the emerald city

Embracing the singularity

I had a discussion with my mother in law today about my children’s future.

As it stands, providing we don’t blow ourselves up, most jobs will be gone within 25 years.

How does a parent prepare their children for that? There will be technology and activities that are past our wildest dreams on the horizon and interconnectivity that will be nearly or certainly impossible to completely shut off.

The fundamental framework already exists and the change is inevitable.

My mother in law is in her late sixties and has three PhDs and feels that the kids will be able to get menial work, and I let her know that those jobs will be some of the first to go.

She balked.

We are making ourselves obsolete and what then? This discussion has been rampant in amongst my friends on Facebook, and there really are no good answers.

Best case, we become a Marxist technocratic non consumer society, filled with transhumans. Worst case we get overzealous or elect a bad few leaders that blow us up.

I would assume that we are headed somewhere in between for the short term.

That being said, I’m also looking for employment that I can do at home instead of paying for childcare and using almost and entire paycheque to do so.

I mentioned that to her as well and told her what I needed to do in order to keep up with the changes to business. Everything is cloud and app based, remote collaboration being a major shift in how many projects are being handled and that pay might not be coming from Canada. 

She tried to play it down saying that I should be looking locally, and I told her that this is where the workforce is changing. There are less and less borders and I would also have to educate myself in taxation abroad if I got hired elsewhere.

She really had a lot of difficulty digesting it. I don’t blame her. Her chosen career hasn’t changed much in several decades but if she knew what was on the horizon.. if she knew that it is likely to be completely automated, I wonder what she would think.

My spouse builds custom mansions, in 25 years his skills won’t be necessary. It will be printed or poured by machines, and he isn’t very technologically savvy. Where does that leave him?

I suppose I’ll be the breadwinner providing that I can adapt and keep up. If not, I don’t know.

I’m not great at programming, but I can merge concepts and do basic architecture for those concepts, is that a possible venture for the short term?

So many questions and not enough time.

Connor and the little blob did it.

So many people have said it over the years and for some reason, it fell on deaf ears. But Connor said it, and I heard something. Why Connor, (a precocious 22 year old) and why then?

 

Maybe I was ready, maybe my little fire in my belly is a reason. Up until now I had so little to fight for, and not much to really live for. Things have changed.

 

I have a little blob that has decided to reside in my tummy, and hormones aside, I know that I’m attempting to bring a new human into this crazy, and neglected… nay abused world. What kind of life is this little person going to live? Will digital bullying still be prevalent, but the technology will be embedded and permanent with no way to switch off? Or will we be headed into social chaos, civilization collapse and a destiny of basic survival in slums and piles of garbage?

 

Should I carry this little thing? Should I, despite ever more hungry mouths and ever more economic instability, tyranny, and religious upheaval, carry this little blob to humanhood? What do I have to offer this new life within, or society at large for that matter? You may be wondering why I correlate these two things, but really, when and if this little blob becomes an adult, the responsibility of guiding this person to be a happy, whole human that has healthy values, and an open yet discerning mind is mine….well and a little of baby daddy too 😉

 

How do I protect that person from the dangers of indoctrination, yet not indoctrinate them myself? How do I show them that the world is actually full of beautiful humans, and amazing things that are worth loving and protecting, yet ensure that they are always wary of the few people out to harm others?

 

I want to make sure this being is raised in a balanced, aware environment with no judgement, but opportunities to grow, flourish and feel secure.

 

Which leads me to what I have to offer. If I’m already thinking about it, I suppose what I mentioned above are related to my core values, and that is what I want for all people.

 

I want all humans to have the opportunity to be themselves, and the opportunity to cultivate their strengths and find ways to overcome their weakness. I want all humans to have a future that they can determine, and have the ability to choose what is best for themselves, without fear of reprisal, without fear of pain or loss of personal security.

 

I want wars to stop, because no human, deserves to live in fear. I want to see all humans have the opportunity to place what they have to offer on society’s table, and have society embrace their unique perspective, and skillset to help move us forward.

 

Each person has the most understanding what would serve themselves and their community best, and at this point in history,  humans at large are being prevented from becoming the best they can be, prevented for being everyday heros, from learning their passions and strengths, and losing the opportunity to offer themselves to their community at large. They live life unfulfilled, and are told, “That’s all there is.” by other people who are resting in the lap of luxury, playing, and exploring the world at large and their souls within. Those who have either learned and have little moral direction that have happily fudged the rules that everyone is expected to abide by, and stepped on other people to get there, and many others who were born into it thinking that they are entitled regardless of the fact that they just happened to win the uterine lottery.

 

The American Dream has become a surreal nightmare.

 

I never thought of the American Dream as financial success, but more a concept of a place where one could go to self actualize, and live a life of fulfillment and personal security from Imperialism and tyranny. A dream where, as long as one gave back to their community, a person would have free reign to flourish in their own way, and cut new paths to the future. Where hard work and a little moxie could open new vistas that hadn’t been discovered.

 

But now the American Dream has been tainted and slowly converted to the same values that the founding fathers of the nations of America had left behind them. The American Dream no longer supports ingenuity, freedom or fulfillment.

 

And now that the world is full, and there are no more frontiers where we can go to build it better, and have the life we want for ourselves and our loved ones, what do we do?

 

How do we build civilization in a civil and whole manner, while we watch our human brothers and sisters get all blown to pieces for profit and power, in the name of peace and god? How do people that are peaceful prevent the fighting of people that aren’t peaceful, without getting caught in the crossfire or jailed for voicing our opinions?

 

How do we reclaim the American Dream and share that Dream with others around the world? And I mean share. Not forcefully place it one others….  How do I let my unborn child have that opportunity, and at the same time ensure that my loving neighbors around the world have those same opportunities to “Be who they are” in a safe and nurturing environment?

 

Imagine a world where all people could bring their strengths to the table, without fear of reprisal or judgement, and were able to have rational discussions and give it (see humanity) their best. What kind of world could we have?

 

Imagine resources shared, and knowledge shared with no need for a PhD or a CEO designation for one’s personal understanding to hold credence among one’s peers? And the foundational ability to act upon that knowledge and build better things regardless of monetary value?

 

Imagine a world where mothers have a say in their children’s education, a say in their own body and to determine their own existence, and where fathers can provide the means without undermining their masculinity or personal development? A world where both parents give guidance and resources to ensure that child can also be the best they can be, without fear of war, famine, disease, and death with the added benefit of hellfire for thinking for oneself?

 

Connor told me, I have a lot to offer the world but I don’t know what it is yet. And he was right. I don’t. But I’m trying to figure it out, and now I have a reason to do so quickly.

But what I do know, is that I have big hopes for the human race, I have big hopes for the blob growing inside, and at this point, until I know what I have to offer, I will give my best effort for now, which is write, dissect and modernize old wisdom, and create beauty around me, and show love and compassion to all I encounter including myself.

Why? Because all humans deserve better, and all humans have something to offer.

Meltdown

We’ve all seen on our media of choice the spectacle of some random human “Melting down” in some situation in a public place. A person that for some reason reacts with irrational anger towards what seems a mild inconvenience or a trivial matter. The public watches the trainwreck unfold, and snickers, jeers and general distain for that person.

Guess what? That’s bullying. We are making fun publicly of someone that is crisis at worst, or standing by watching it with no concept of compassion at best. Where are kids learning to be assholes? From a bunch of messed up adults.

We hear about the mass murders on our back doorstep perpetrated by that “quiet guy next door” person. We also see vagrants, junkies and prostitutes, and we judge them with impunity.

How many people, young men espcially, are committing suicide on a daily basis? Think about it. 3500 anually, just below deaths due to cancer of the colon and breast. So, we do charity activities for breast and colon cancer and we do little to nothing about completely preventable death.

Sucide doesn’t end up on the news, or get properly talked about, because it’s embarrassing, and deeply painful. Survivors spend the rest of their lives questioning what part they had in the death of a loved one, constantly wondering if there was anything they could have done or not done to prevent it. They suffer in intimate silence, with no answers and minimal support.

We walk away from friends that are in crisis because we don’t understand or can’t make the time for them, and expect them to work within our framework of life regardless of whether they are capable or not (NO PRESSURE MR. ANXIETY GUY, BUT DO WHAT I TELL YOU. OR ELSE.). There is an idea that, “You don’t look sick, or injured so you must be faking it.” But in reality that internal pain is immense and uncontrollable. Medication only adjusts seratonin receptors and doesn’t change or deal with the factors that are actually causing the issues.

These meltdowns are happening in every corner of our social lives. Most are insidious and unremarkable, they are generally socially acceptable and therefore go unnoticed.
Make a list of people you know that are self medicating… including social and regular media, gaming & internet, television, illicit drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, herbal meds, etc. then, add to that list people on pharms: valium, a.d.h.d. meds, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety etc.

Then make a lit of people that do the following: over exertion (exercising too much), working to the point of self and relationship destruction, people obsessed with their looks and the modification thereof, helicopter parenting, helicopter spousing, drama instigation, eating disorders which include: anorexia, bulemia, strangely obsessive fad diets etc., and greed.

After that, we move into the realm of narcissism, codependency, spousal and child abuse, abuse of authority, over zealous religious or political ideology, megalomania, micromanagement, normalized bullying, isolation tactics etc.

These are all meltdowns, they are all signs of mental illness, and most go unaddressed regardless of the fact that it is unhealthy behaviour. We listen to talk show hosts and radio personalities jumo on the trainwreck, and wonder why children are doing it.

The tendency seems to be people are overwhelmed and feel there is a lack of personal security or control over one’s destiny, and the options are, to avoid everything through medication, control their own bodies in ways that may not be healthy, or control other people to achieve that sense of false security. When those tactics stop working, we lash out in ways that are irrational and uncontrollable, and then become a spectacle.

I’m not trying to create fear, but I am trying to point out that we are all melting down, and we are all having problems. As it stands, my fear is that there will be more meltdowns before people realize we need to slow down and take care of ourselves, and each other with compassion and moderation.

Introvert

I’m an introvert. Not that I hate people, I just tend towards my own company. That being said, I also like people, just after being around them too long, or if I’m in a group of extroverts for a prolonged period of time, I burn out and need to take time for myself to recharge and build up again.

 

The last couple of jobs I’ve had I’ve been in the middle of what may be considered an idealized version of extrovert heaven. In fact since I moved to Calgary I’ve been working in those types of environments, and then when I leave, I feel broken bullied, had my confidence and self worth shattered, and have been left picking up the  pieces of my shattered mind.

 

For the longest time, I would pass the blame on the people I was working with because they were singling me out and pointing out how weird I was for being me, and now with this last job got removed because I really didn’t fit in with the culture.

 

Today, I came to the realization that yes, I’m different, I’m an eccentric and that’s OKAY. The previous people I worked with were conformists and extroverts and that’s okay too. What isn’t okay, is me doing the same thing again. So I re-wrote my cover letter and instead of telling employers that I’m a team player, I’m now going to tell employers that I work well in a team, but excel by working independently, all of the attributes and skills I am advertising are more geared to who I am, as opposed to what I will do, but barely tolerate in order to land me the next job.

 

I feel a bit dumb not doing it sooner, but my confidence was so muted and my ability to laterally think compromised, because I had created an endless crappy cycle for myself. Today, things change, and I will find a career and work environment I will fit into because I’m consciously asking for it, and not for a job that doesn’t fit my needs. It may give me less replies, but the replies I get will be better suited to my work and communication styles.

 

Getting a job that allows me to work independently will directly affect my social life as well, as I will have more energy and be a happier person when I get off work and instead of needing a whole night to regenerate and get over a long arduous day of dealing with extroverts, and non stop stimulation, I’ll need an hour to chill and reflect and then go and have healthy social interactions with the people I care about and want to be around.

 

That, I think, has been the most difficult part of trying to be something I’m not. I feel so burned out and miserable and have have the creativity and spark that I carry completely drained and or shut down due to my jobs. When I was still working at previous jobs…my soul had been crushed so badly and they had put so much on my plate I actually started losing it, and unfortunately took it out on the wrong people. I don’t think that those friendships will ever be fixed because of that, and for that I’m going to be forever sorry.

 

I want to be me again, regardless of what the extroverted and conformist world wants. I know in my heart that there is a place for me to flourish and become the most I can be.