Stalled

Everyone needs a hobby, or in my case several. 

With the chaotic mundanity of being a stay at home parent with twin toddlers the doesnt sleep enough, I decided a couple of months ago to try my hand at carving wood pendants.  

In my previous pre-parent life, I carved stone sculptures, and for a tome had done antique furniture repair, so the skill set is similar enough.

A local jewelry maker was selling her inventory out and had a bunch of wood cut into little discs and I bought a handful for a couple bucks, and started experimenting with my dremel. The next thing I knew, I bought the rest (about 100 pieces) and was motoring away at them averaging 4 pendants a day. 

So, what to do with all these little trinkets? I decide early on to maybe try to sell them on etsy or through farmers markets or craft stalls. 

Great! A little micro business i can do from home that is a healthy outlet, that won’t take from other hobbies in the future.

Cue going non stop for 18 hours a day or more with the kids/house/life/carving for almost two months straight (A few days downtime carving for appointments and illness etc. ) and I have a tidy amount of stock. So I’m prepared to open am online store!

And here I sit.

After doing all that hard work, inspired to keep carving, etsy account made, postal information on hand, and all I need to do is take pictures, write a description for each piece, post, shamelessly share it and cross my fingers.. or maybe toes because hands are handy.

The great machine has stalled.

It’s not the first time either… And there’s no answer as to why I do this to myself, but this time I’m admitting and addressing the silliness that it is.

Is it that I don’t like doing fiddly things? I obviously can commit to a point, know full well this isn’t a career and it’s more just for enjoyment with maybe some extra coin on the side. Worst case all my lived ones get pendants for Christmas, and I still got to carve stuff instead of cleaning and cooking and rearing children. 

It’s not like carving stops when I do the store thing, or it’s that much extra responsibility to mail stuff off to customers. So… why?

This is the conundrum of my day, if anyone reads this and has suggestions, I’m open to them 🙂

Advertisements

Desire

Desire

Benevolent inclusive mysterious mischief.

Glittering in a set of eyes and flashing in a smile. More tangible than any slap and tickle, and more fulfilling than a good compliment.

The sense of desire to do with and be with another person. Free of objectification or animalistic physical release.

It’s an evolving story in a series waiting to be read, imagined about and read again, until the next book comes out.

It’s a question mark that stirs the mind, gives you cardio, and flusters the loins.

Desire that is wholly symbiotic in nature..not selfish, not selfless…

As I get older I notice my peers, caught up in the mundane grind of daily life and that look appears less often.

How many people yearn for that sense of desire that has somehow vanished? That spark of creative passion on theory partners face, or any face for that matter?

Life is serious business and so then becomes the sex. Get it done, there is a scheduled sleep to accomplish. The kids will be up in x hours.

Desire… looking into his or her eyes and almost smelling the spice of life in the air.. passion, creativity, lust, deep seated drive to live and share an experience. Or several hundred.

Gazing on the lips of a naughty grin with wonder, and grinning back with want.

Desire

Inrage

Oh the outrage.
People are outraged over things. Lots of things everywhere. Outrage is what’s in. Rage is in. Inrage.

There are outraged because a t-shirt could be misconstrued that is promoted by a walking dead star.

People are outraged and have created a movement against one particular group that has been doing bad things, but lumping everyone else they don’t agree with into that group, and displaying the same hateful tactics.

People are outraged over mislabeled fish, and chemical stuff and their neighbors dog.

People are outraged for other people who dgaf about the thing that is outrageous.

I’m jumping on the bandwagon.

I’m outraged at hospitals sending home sick babies to take chances with death and forcing parents to give the level of care a fully trained rn does with no training and no help.

I’m outraged that society keeps kicking it’s vulnerable down in order to keep the next in line afloat in order to keep certain other people living in  the lap of luxury.

I’m outraged that the food industry throws away billions of dollars of food away per year because it isn’t saleable and the poverty level is so high. Here and everywhere.

I’m outraged that there is a cure for some cancers that is not licensed meaning nobody owns a patent to it and because big pharmacy can’t make billions and corner the market, people are suffering and dying.

I’m outraged for all of the people in my life that are suffering from anxiety and depression because we live in a sick society that has a very uncertain fiscal and technological future. A society that has marginalized all things not fitting that system that is failing. A society that despises age and reminders of death, and puts sparkles on the trials of parent hood. 

I’m outraged at being lied to day in and day out just to sell me crap that will last just past the warranty that I didn’t need on the first place, so I can throw it into our overflowing landfills.

I’m outraged that I get more solid information from comedians than from the news. — that said I’m outraged that I have to agree with Trump.

I’m outraged because Americans are so desperate for security from the above unknowingly, have elected someone like trump because they don’t know what else to do.

We Canadians did it too. And we paid the price for it. So did our environment.

I’m outraged that what we keep asking for isn’t being done and our leaders are shirking their duties. For the sake of the next term promise.

I’m sick of entitlement. People that believe they are entitled to exorbitant wealth, objects, rights, other people’s decisions, access to other people’s bodies, freedom, life, or liberty. 

We aren’t entitled. But we are sharing this space, and seem to be pissing it up a wall between America and Mexico.  Have have a very uncertain future, and we as a global community have to take a step back and address what’s actually happening. We need to make provisions for what is already changing and prepare for what is most likely certain. 

There are two ways to lead. 

A common enemy (the enemy isn’t who you think it is)

A common goal (the goal is pretty simple)

Scratching the abyss

This is going to be a heavy post about addiction and suicide. 

For those people struggling with addiction, I have no answers. All new studies point to having love and a fulfilling life to prevent addiction, but once in the throes of addiction that community becomes a foreign place to an addict. 

As an outsider loving people who have spiraled through the event horizon of addiction, it’s a terrifying experience to behold.

After watching a person spiral in and shoot out over and over, one’s mind can go to really dark places. 

Tonight was a dark night in my mind. The differences between addiction and suicide hit me tonight.

Suicide is swift and final. There may be things left undone, unsaid or unexplained, but loved ones can grieve, and in time move forward. 
Addiction always teeters on the edge of finality holding on to a tiny thread of hope. The death of an addict is usually a slow and painful process.

One grieves a loved one that slides down the rabbit hole out of sight, but gets a glimmer of hope when the addict reaches up and cries for help.

The grief is paused. 

Then the addict slides down again.

Over and over the cycle goes until the addict destroys themselves partially or entirely. But up until the end, there is hope.

I don’t know how an addict feels during the cycle, and I refuse to ask for justification. It’s needless. I can’t force sobriety, or a fulfilling life. None of us can, it’s entirely up to an addict to make that decision.

Addiction is a sad part of society, and hopefully we can help our communities find a solution to help all who struggle with it.

I found happiness once

Years ago, I found happiness and actually had it hang around for six months or so.

Like actual happiness, I would wake up at peace and look forward to my days, there was joy every day of the week. I slept well at night and honestly can’t remember anything wrong happening at that point in my life.

It’s taken me 11 years to figure out what it was that made me so happy. Yes I had quite my job to chase my dreams to be an artist, and I got up when I was rested and wasn’t governed by clocks, or any other societal norms.

Over the years I tried and failed miserably to recreate that situation in a more stable and financially stable manner, and be truly happy again.

But I’ve come to realize that the art was a byproduct of what was actually making me happy.

I did art in a park downtown and there was always a stream of people that paraded by. In that stream there would be a random that would plop themselves down on my painting blanket and let me listen to them.

They would share a piece of life with me and I would actively listen to them and cultivate this spark, and as the conversation unfolded somehow one of the paintings I was working on would come to life. It would evolve from a bunch of colours and lines into something tangibly interesting.

I was happy because I had a fluid audience to listen to and communities with. Each fleeting micro-relationship special and entirely unique. And I thrived on experiencing the beauty and mutual vulnerability of it all. It was raw, natural and didn’t follow most social rules.

I had women and men alike, people in poverty and Versace wearers, Bikers  (yes leathers and Harleys) and the most prim and proper devout religious individuals. All hanging out on my little painting blanket, sharing life and just existing as they actually were… deep down inside, without judgement or criticism.

Obviously this lifestyle probably wouldn’t make most people happy, but it was perfect for me at that point, and I wonder if I can find a way to incorporate it back into my life now.

Civilizations come and go

With all of the strange violence and chaos that seems to be popping up lately, one has to pause and wonder what it is that is actually going on?

What would make a middle class suburban kid decide to go and fight for some strange violent group of people in a foreign country?

Security and a sense of direction, meaning in life, solid foundations regardless of creed.

We are at a nexus point in human civilization and most people are unaware of it.

The digital revolution is no longer a revolution, but an evolution. There are no answers to the days ahead, no predictability at all.

For the longest time I expected some major upheaval, more dissent something tangible that would signify the end of civilization as we know it, and either the human race imploding or us making some sort of major advancement.

But today while I was looking at new tech trying to ponder how to prepare the twins for adulthood I came to realize something.

It’s happening. We are moving forward regardless of trademarks, profits and property rights. We are as a species circumventing the powers that be, and we are unifying in a way that has never happened before.

Free knowledge and public licensing in technology has opened the floodgates. And access on a global level is giving laypeople the opportunity to create real-time practical solutions to their environments, all the while crowdsourcing the resources they may not have.

It all seems a sham to people who hold power because they can’t calculate it. You can’t tally knowledge and there are no dividends on freedom. But there is a technocratic creep happening. In fact it’s upon us and we don’t have the faintest idea what it will bring.

Which brings me back to people going to strange lands and adopting violent mantras. They see it, and don’t understand it, and they are looking for a solid conservative direction to protect them.

Ultra conservative people need a sense of meaning and defined directions and roles in order to feel safe. It’s ingrained in our genome, and has served us in the past even though it doesn’t serve us now.

But the change is upon us and there is nothing that can be done aside from complete destruction of humanity to end it. And nobody is insane enough to step across that line.

As the change comes, it will keep accelerating and those able to adapt and think on their feet will have the most success.

What we are seeing is the death throes of a dying civilization, but as there are so many of us, humanity itself as a whole will be here to usher in its replacement unlike previous civilizations.

All in all we are going to see some amazing things in the short term, and I look forward to where it’s going.

:D

Things I’ve learned about life (part unknown)
1. Get off the couch and do stuff. Hobbies, volunteering, travelling, LARPing. Just don’t be a couch potato.
2. Read. Voraciously about everything you can, even if it’s not your “thing”.
3. Listen to a variety of music, and be open to new tunes.
4. Push yourself hard
5. Take care of you, and love you for who you are right this moment, things change, bodies change, lives change.. it just takes time.
6. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Move on.
7. Listen. Listen to your friends, your world around you, your body and your heart. They tell the truth.
8. Success is a lie. Achievements are relative and failure is subjective.
9. Be you. The best you that you can muster. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
10. Facilitate others to also “be” and discover them as they are.
11. If you meet someone and get into a relationship, don’t stop doing the above. Period.

Love

Thank you..
Thank you for giving me the opprtunity to love you. Even but for a moment.
Thank you for showing me a new and unique way to love.
Thank you for loving me back, and thank you for letting me go.
Thank you

It isn’t rape culture. It’s way worse than that.

Every day now I see something in the media about “rape culture”. The culture of sexual violence, being romanticized and perpetuated in many different forms. Romanticized sexual violence is a very real thing, but it isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom of a greater issue at hand.

I’m going to list off some more of the symptoms of the actual disease of modern society, and hopefully I can figure out a name for it.

1. Gender competition. (Male vs. Female vs. Ambiguous or otherness)

2. Sexual exploitation of humans. Male and female, young and old.

3. Creating unhealthy ideals and concepts of social roles

4. Demonizing aspects of gender stereotypes.

5. Abuse of humans using religion, patriarchy and politics.

6. Systematic removal of personal empowerment via media and institutions.

We are at a nexus point in civilization, and we need to step back and tread very carefully before we proceed. One of the major influences in the development of the future of mankind lays in us, casting aside the current values of gender relations. They are toxic and destructive to all humans.

We not only are being raised in an unhealthy manner, but adults are being socialized to have unhealthy relationships with themselves and each other.

So many men I meet are being robbed of the the opportunity to be real men. They desperately cling to fashion items to define their masculinity, and yet, at the end of the day are incapable of being the man they want to be to their significant other. Men are given low self worth, due to extreme feminism, combined with the battle cry of damaged little boys trapped in man bodies everywhere ensuring that no more women destroy them.

And women are now completely objectified and their value as a human is based upon their sexual attractiveness, regardless of the fact that sexuality is used to procreate. As soon as a woman becomes pregnant, her value as a human drops, as the infants inside make objectification offensive and difficult.

Problem is, men aren’t being raised to be men, they are being raised to be giant little boys, and stay dependent on the teats of life. They look for mommy replacements, because they never got given the tools to deal with life. They are dependent, and oddly enough, from a woman’s perspective, it starts off cute and funny, and after a very short period of time gets creepy and sickening. Who wants to have sex with a person you have to treat like your own offspring?

And men, sit there watching their s/o go from being an amazing person turn slowly into mom (not realizing that their dependency brings out the maternal instinct) and then get resentful and bothered and go looking for some hot tamale to make up for the lack of sexiness. But heaven forbid they let their s/o be themselves… you know that person that they found attractive to begin with.

Men are taught that women should be willing to put out if there is a gift bought if she is by herself in public. If she is alone, with no male counterpart she is available, and she has no choice or say in the matter.

That sense of entitlement is a direct offshoot of the culture of immaturity and objectification that we have built. It’s not rape culture, it’s Juvenile Culture.

Your Messiah

If your Messiah were to stand before you, would you recognise that person?

If your Messiah said to you, I am the way, would you persecute your Messiah for blasphemy?

If your Messiah was helping a person that you didn’t like, would you shun your Messiah? Would you pass by and arrogantly huff under your breath?

If your Messiah knocked on your door and asked for your help, your compassion, and your empathy, would you slam the door?

Don’t lie, because your God knows what’s in your heart.

If your God sent you someone to tell you what you need to know to move towards a heaven on earth would you give up your comfort to follow?

Would your messiah be pleased that you contributed to detroying the Earth that we are supposed to build the kingdom heaven on?

Would your Messiah be pleased that countless people have been left to starve, yet we have everything needed to ensure the health, wellbeing and safety of all people, everywhere?

What if…

In each generation was born one Messiah, and one supergenius. And in each generation we shut them down because they don’t fit in to our Ego generated social construct?

Tesla was a pinnacle of brilliance and by the time he died, he was destroyed. What if he had been given the respect and wellbeing that he deserved? What else could have brought to the world?

How many Teslas have been hiding behind closed doors knowing that if they speak up, that they will be shunned and emotionally damaged beyond repair?

Is your messiah looking at you through your mirror in the morning, and wondering when you will stop and listen to your heart, and not your ego, listen to your soul and not your fear?

Is your messiah now yelling at you, telling you that you don’t need armaggedon for salvation, that to make a heaven on earth, the key is to release your fear, to give away your ego, and to live in harmony with nature and all beings?

Is your messiah telling you daily that your selfishness and overconsumption is the root of your pain and emptiness inside?