I fell in love twice 

Twice I fell in love. Not that silly romantic kind. Because that kind is a lie. 
I fell in love with two tiny faces. Over and over. 

But there’s a last time for everything. And there’s a last time.. For everything. 

It’s Christmas. I fell in love with those tiny faces again. And today it hurt. 

It’s not about things to live for, a sense of purpose… it’s about connection. They are two of three left outside of myself.
Inside. There is a full disconnect. I don’t want to even do it anymore. And so I left my selfish alcoholic spouse to tend to them when they wake up. 

And I walk. 

In minus 11 

In the woods

In the dark. 

Because the darkness, alone and cold is what I’ve come to live. Day in and day out. 

I don’t know if I’ll go back or when. Why let my kids hope that mom is going to be happy and okay. That’s all a lie too.

So I walk.